You know how you have that vegan friend who’s always cooking some new seed-loaf or spirulina-date bar and raving about how delish it is? “Try some!,” she says brightly. You take a bite. Your eyebrows furrow. It’s leaden and bland with a weird texture, and you realize it’s only “delish” if all you eat is sticks and leaves, with the occasional tofu nugget thrown in.

I’ve been on both sides of that story. As often as not, I’m the offending health nut. Not so much this week — I’ve had rich chocolate desserts not once but twice thanks to my honey’s birthday.

So when I saw Oprah touting SPINACH CARROT BROWNIES, I knew it was my special moment to evaluate whether they truly tasted like chocolate brownies. Jerry Seinfeld, who just happens to be the husband of the Spinach-Carrot Brownie inventor, says they’re good enough for death-rowers’ last meals. Jessica Seinfeld’s cookbook, Deceptively Delicious: Simple Secrets to Get Your Kids Eating Good Food, proclaims, “These brownies fool everyone!” Yeah. Mmmm-hmmn. We’d see about that.

I dutifully loaded up the Cuisinart with steamed carrots and spinach. As I poured the prepared batter into the pan, I had a moment of déjà vu – and realized that the last time I made brownies out of batter flecked with green, I was in college and the recipe was less than Oprah-appropriate. Suddenly I felt old.

The verdict? Despite a rather deceptively luscious appearance (see above), Yuck. Behold, Spinach Chocolate Sludge Bars. Does spinach-flavored chocolate sound good to you? No? Then you’re not going to like these. If you want your kids to eat them, don’t ever, ever give them anything that wasn’t pulled directly from the ground, rinsed and handed over whole and maybe you’ll get away with it. If a death row inmate got these as a last meal, I’d call for clemency.

These bars are edible, for certain. But are they brownies? No. They are a delivery vehicle for 1/12 a cup of vegetables per brownie. In other words, for barely any vegetables at all. So why bother?

Here’s another brownie recipe on the list to try – one that actually looks tasty.